a redeeming point for children

okay so i went to get my hair done up in fairfax and i'm sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, waiting for my stylist. I became distracted by an obnoxious voice of some old gitbag lady bitching about something. I can see her bee-lining for the front desk to most likely complain about something to jew her way out of paying. Of course nothing amuses me more than shitty people so i turn my attention to the desk. a mother and her daughter, about seven years old, come up to pay. the mom is a real piece of shit and the child has clearly learned from her example. daughter is crying. daughter is VERY ugly! i shoot the shithead kid a dirty look, smile at the mom, and the girl at the desk asks her what's the matter. "she cut her bangs all wrong!" the mother cries out. "they were supposed to look like mine! so that people can TELL that we're mother and daughter! but daughter looks like a sheepdog!" she pulls the stupid kid closer to her. what i want to say is the cold hard truth: that the daughter more closely resmbles a mixture of a boar and a vampire bat at best, and that the mother owes sheepdogs everywhere a sincere apology for the shit she just talked on them. but the mom can't handle the truth and neither can the hideous kid so i have to zip it. plus i wonder how the girl at the desk will handle this."it's okay honey, we'll find someplace that can fix it for you and you'll look juuuuust like mommy!" she reaches out to adjust her daughter's bangs, and the daughter does something that makes me think maybe she's not such a shithead after all. in a fit of pouty tear soaked rage, she punches her mom in the stomach with all the strength she can muster in her puny seven year old fist. the mom is embarrassed and says something to the (now much cooler) daughter under her breath. i'm trying so hard not to laugh as the girl at the desk takes the disgruntled whore's forty five dollars and send both wastes on their way. Sucks for that kid but my hair came out awesome!!

cat dicks are not so "purrr"-fect

okay, i think something needs to be said about cat dicks. what's with cats having the most pathetic dicks in the world? it's so sad. cats are awesome animals. but there's something not so awesome about them, and that's their dick. it looks like a crayon! what the fuck? don't get the wrong idea. it's not like i sit here on the internet and check out what different dicks in the animal kingdom look like or anything. i'm not into that okay? NOT INTO THAT!!! but i think it's weird and uncool that cat dicks not only are small as hell and look like some kind of fucked up slimy crayon/adaptor cord, but also that they are SPIKED and hurt the female cat while sex is happening! i've never seen my male cat's dick before, and i'm really glad about that. i hope i never do! don't think i'm hating on cats in this post alright? i love cats. just don't love their penis. it would be a lot worse if i DID love cat dicks, so don't be all like "you're gross."

help yourself to a fuckin science book cause your talkin like a fucking retard

everyone needs to shut the fuck up in a major way. everyone's complaining about the weather. "wah wah, it won't stop raining..." there is no need to post a myspace bulletin about that. it's not interesting that you feel that way, and it's not a legitimate topic. everyone should know by now that the weather is the most boring thing in the world to talk about. the weather is the subject we revert to when there is nothing else to talk about, in order to avoid awkward silence. it's the same principle as "soooo, how about them yankees?" "so how about this RAIN?" so... how about that dick in your mouth, faggot? how's that taste? this is the internet, people. we're all close friends here. we are like a close knit family. there is no need to pull out the auxiliary conversation about the weather in a place like this. yeah it's raining, yeah it's cold out. it sucks. but how much of your day are you spending outside roughing it anyway? and guess what: i got let out early because of this exact weather that you're getting your period over, so i'm psyched about it, and i'm not going to keep letting everyone shit in my mouth and call it a milkshake. i work a 7 day week. i was beyond ecstatic for the rain, because now i get to spend the rest of my day relaxing, and it rules. fo real. also, don't act like a bunch of vags. seriously now. if it's this cold now, in mid april, you know that means the summer will last into september, shit, maybe even october, and that will rule. see, global warming isn't so bad. longer summers, people. this is going to be the shit. you're really going to be sticking your feet in your mouths one day.

opening day

i seriously can't wait for baseball to start up. i hope i go to 3205983205612 games this year.

spring break

every year when springbreak rolls around i start to fuck up in school. it's like the week before springbreak i always have some big project or mid-term and all i can think about is getting out of richmond and getting my sb2k7 on. thus, i miss classes or don't study enough and say fuck it and just take off for sb2k7 leaving a bunch of unfinished biz at school. i need to break this awful habit! but seriously i'm so stoked on springbreak cause i get to bring the road crew aka princey and chloe!!

dookin' donuts

i drove past dunkin donuts last night and remembered a story from a dark time in my high school years and it must be told!
late one night my friend linsey and i were driving around stoned as hell. we were hungry so we decided to stop at dunkin' donuts for some munchies, duuuuude. i got a coffee and linsey got a white powdered doughnut with chocolate filling. we rolled up to the drive through window and the guy working there was being really overly friendly. he kept calling us "buddy" and asking us if we were hungry. he was like, "one doughnut? that's it? you want a little more?" he had a weird smile on his face when he said it, but he was giving out free doughnuts and we were high, so we said "yeah, sure." he put another doughnut in the bag. "you hungry! you want a a little more?" he was nodding and his eyes were all lit up. alright broham. another doughnut goes in the bag. "you want a little more?" the guy was now starting to creep me out. he was being really overzealous about insisting that we take more doughnuts, and i thought it was weird. he looked sinister and up to no good. when we left, we had FIVE white powdered doughnuts with chocolate filling. we ordered ONE, okay? i ate one and linsey ate like three. the next morning i woke up with diarrhea, and linsey not only had diarrhea but threw up. we were joking around and saying that the guy had put poop in the doughnuts and that was why he kept insisting on giving us more free ones; to play some kind of sick prank. the joke turned out to be reality tonight we went back to the dunkin' donuts, and the same thing happened. he kept putting more doughnuts in the bag, and he kept getting that same crazy look in his eyes! he seriously looked insane, and he was being way too generous with the doughnuts. we ended up with SIX, and we only ordered one! there were a bunch of different kinds; two white powdered with chocolate filling, two chocolate frosted, and two chocolate frosted crullers! while i was halfway through eating the chocolate frosted doughnut, i realized something revolting: all of the doughnuts had chocolate on them. what blends in best with chocolate? yep, SHIT!!! FECES!!! even though it was too late, i stopped eating the doughnut and we threw the rest of them out the window. low and behold, i feel nauseous right now. and it's not in my head.this guy is a fucking asshole who is definitely putting dook in these chocolate types of doughnuts. DO NOT GO TO THE DUNKIN' DONUTS ON SLOAN AVENUE IN HAMILTON, DO YOU HEAR ME? unless you want to eat this dickhead's shit, stay away. this crazy paki is a seriously sick fuck. he is probably some kind of failed terrorist who decides to conduct his own form of low key terrorism by placing his fecal matter in doughnuts and giving them out for free to stoned assholes late at night. this guy is a serious piece of malicious shit, and he thinks nobody knows but i am onto his plan. i wasn't born yesterday. i know when i'm swallowing poop and i swallowed it tonight. i will never swallow it again because i will never go back there. no way no how!