ice cube

whatever happened to ice cube? this former NWA member is now starring in the corniest kids movies ever!!! 'are we there yet?' and now the sequel 'are we done yet?' cube, quick question: are YOU done yet? you used to be badass as hell; awesome, feared, admired, full of street cred. what the fuck are you doing? you are a gangsta rap icon. you sing about shit like clocking motherfuckers, murder, crime, violence, etc. and now you're playing some wholesome-yet-wacky dad who gets into wild antics on a road trip with your uncle tom ass family?

blinkchick813

OkAy GuYz TiMe FoR BiTcHiNg AbOuT mY pArEnTz!!!!! OmG LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my parents are like sooooooooooo annoying! since i spent the weekend at home here is a list of really fucking gay shit that my parents do that pisses me off! in no particular order...

1. i was just on the phone and my retarded mom was like "katie how do i work this?" (about the microwave). retarded ass bitch doesn't know how the use the microwave. hello WELCOME TO 1990 MOM!!!!!!!!!! YOU PUSH THE BUTTONS FOR HOW MUCH TIME YOU WANT IT IN THERE AND THEN YOU FUCKING HIT START YOU DICKHEAD~!!!!!!!!!!!!!DUHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! not only is this a fuckin retarded question but she asked me this WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE! annoying!!! so when i answered her back with "yo i'm ON THE PHONE stop talking to me!" she was all "you are so rude... that's rude... how can you be so rude? you are always so rude..." yeah because it wasn't rude of you to interrupt me when i am on the phone or anything to ask me something retarded and gay... worthless hole... cavewoman ass bitch...
2. as soon as my mom comes home there are always three questions!!!!!!! the first one is, "what are you doing tonight?" the second one is, "when are you going to be home?" and the third is "where is your sister?" okay shithole, now LISTEN! for one--> it's fucking 5 in the afternoon. nineteen times out of twenty i don't know what i am going to be doing later on in the night at 5! so FUCK YOU AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! for two--> what, am i supposed to give my fuckin' sister this same drill whenever she leaves the house? DON'T THINK SO GITBAG! if you're so concerned then CALL SARAH AND ASK HER! she has a cell phone. 3. one time my mom told my fuckin' boyfriend that he SMELLED GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BACK THE FUCK UP OFF MY MAN BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you don't say that to my boyfriend. you're fuckin' 50 years old. and he's MINE, okay? stop trying to fuck him!!!! she was like "ooh jake, you smell good." yeah uhhh NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!! 4. my dad has no balls. whatever my mom says, he agrees with. if my mom was like "germany is in south america" my dad would be like "hell yeah it is." bernie lomax lookin' asshole of a dad. bitch ass mom. FUCK `EM BOTH!!!! my dad feels like just because he left on my mom a few years ago that now he has to sacrifice his nuts and never have an opinion about anything. FUCK YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuckin' bullshit couple that operates from the same total shit brain...5. my dad listens to the following artists: dixie chicks, pink, lucinda williams, gavin degraw. conclusion: my dad is gay. that's not right. how could my dad do this to me? i hope he knows he is ruining my life. what are my friends going to think of me? what are the neighbors going to think? OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGGMKGDGHSDJGHSDGSDGD!!!!!! mad inconsiderate... 6. my parents will think that people are scumbags for the most retarded reasons! they have singled certain friends of mine out as worthless trash for the following reasons: having tattoos, having piercings, smoking cigarettes, not going to college, having dyed hair, etc. good reasons. because all of those can really tell you a lot about if someone is a good person or not... my mom has never been to college. correction: she went to college and dropped out during her first semester. what a fuck-up! so how is she going to hate on people for not going to college when THAT'S WHAT SHE DID? 7. my mom also flirts with my ex boyf jordan. i found a picture of her sitting on his lap at christmas time. like seriously, STOP BEING SUCH A WHORE!!!!!! and why is my dad cool with this? oh that's right, i almost forgot! he's GAY!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so tired of her slutting it around. like calm your fuckin' menopausally haywire hormones and stop trying to fuck every young guy who comes through here!8. i had this awesome pair of red chucks. i had these shoes for 6 years. they were mad beat up but that was a large part of their charm. they were my favorite shoes. i don't care that they smelled like cat piss. they RULED. and one day i came home to find that they were missing. do you know why they were missing? because my mom threw them away. what kind of a cum dumpster does some shit like that? what the fuck right does she have to toss my shoes? she is probably just jealous because my ass isn't long and flat like hers is. why do mom's asses get like that? long and flat... weird... like how does an ass GROW LONG, know what i mean? you know what i mean. and if you don't then start checking out more mom ass. 9. my dad is not only gay but stupid. one time i asked him to print out a train schedule for me, because i was taking a train to philly. what did my dad do? he went to google.com, and then he typed this in the search space:"my+daughter+wants+to+take+a+train+to+philadelphia+and+get+off+at..."this man has a job which involves computer programming. he went to classes for computer programming. he has an e-mail account. he has a master's degree in business administration. one would think this includes computer/internet skills, right? he was also not joking when he did this. when i tried to sincerely ask him if he was retarded he got up and stormed out of the room saying how rude i am. i love how it always comes back to me being rude! like helloooooooooo, what about you being a moron?!
OkAy GuYzzzZzZZZZzzzz THiS cOnCLuDeS mY pOsT oN wHy I hAtE mY pArEnTzz! U gUyS kNoW wHaT i MeAn, RiGhT? LoLz I kNeW u WoULd@!!! HuGz-n-KiSsEs!!!!!!!!!! RoFL!!!!!!!!!! I m LiKe SooooooooOOOoOooooo gLaD i GoT tHiS oFfA mY cHeSt!!!!!!!

the biggest male camel toe i have ever seen

how insane is paul simon's crotch here? i am impressed and astonished by his male cameltoe. paul simon's nether regions are still crazy after all these years!

eyes wide shut

last night i had a really weird dream! okay, in my dream, my family was having like a picnic style party. jake was there with me. for some reason, nicole kidman was there with a friend of my sister's. there was a ton of good ass food all over the place, and i was eating a shitload, but nicole wasn't eating anything, and i was secretly pissed at her and wondering what her problem was for not eating the delicious feast. then nicole kidman was like "so what do you guys do for fun around here?" and jake was like "well we go dancing at this club called shampoo sometimes." then nicole kidman asked us to take her there, so jake called up some of his friends and i called up some of my friends and we all planned to meet there. i still didn't like nicole kidman because she wasn't eating, so i didn't tell the people i called that she was coming. i was going inside to get ready when i realized that my little dog, princey, had been let out, and was at the bottom of a very steep hill, looking up. the hill was like mario brothers style; vertical, straight down. so i jumped. there was some weird old man at the bottom and he was trying to feed isobel chocolates. he was a fucking creep. i grabbed her up and brought her into my parents house. then all of a sudden we were at shampoo. i was dancing with jake and emily and gay joe, and then i realized that nicole kidman had been sitting in the corner all night. she was looking pissed/awkward. i went to go get some water and nicole kidman stopped me and was like "this is really boring. is there some kind of back room or something here with cooler music?" i was like "well there's a goth room, you might be into that." so i took her hand and i led her into the goth room, where she got really pissed off and started yelling at me, telling me that shampoo sucked and asking me why we brought her there. the next time i saw her she was pouring gasoline out all over the floor in the goth room, and she was running around yelling "DOES ANYONE HAVE MATCHES?!?!?!" she was flipping the fuck out and i was like "SHIT!!! i need to find everyone and get them out of here before nicole kidman burns this place down!!" and then i woke up.

a redeeming point for children

okay so i went to get my hair done up in fairfax and i'm sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, waiting for my stylist. I became distracted by an obnoxious voice of some old gitbag lady bitching about something. I can see her bee-lining for the front desk to most likely complain about something to jew her way out of paying. Of course nothing amuses me more than shitty people so i turn my attention to the desk. a mother and her daughter, about seven years old, come up to pay. the mom is a real piece of shit and the child has clearly learned from her example. daughter is crying. daughter is VERY ugly! i shoot the shithead kid a dirty look, smile at the mom, and the girl at the desk asks her what's the matter. "she cut her bangs all wrong!" the mother cries out. "they were supposed to look like mine! so that people can TELL that we're mother and daughter! but daughter looks like a sheepdog!" she pulls the stupid kid closer to her. what i want to say is the cold hard truth: that the daughter more closely resmbles a mixture of a boar and a vampire bat at best, and that the mother owes sheepdogs everywhere a sincere apology for the shit she just talked on them. but the mom can't handle the truth and neither can the hideous kid so i have to zip it. plus i wonder how the girl at the desk will handle this."it's okay honey, we'll find someplace that can fix it for you and you'll look juuuuust like mommy!" she reaches out to adjust her daughter's bangs, and the daughter does something that makes me think maybe she's not such a shithead after all. in a fit of pouty tear soaked rage, she punches her mom in the stomach with all the strength she can muster in her puny seven year old fist. the mom is embarrassed and says something to the (now much cooler) daughter under her breath. i'm trying so hard not to laugh as the girl at the desk takes the disgruntled whore's forty five dollars and send both wastes on their way. Sucks for that kid but my hair came out awesome!!

cat dicks are not so "purrr"-fect

okay, i think something needs to be said about cat dicks. what's with cats having the most pathetic dicks in the world? it's so sad. cats are awesome animals. but there's something not so awesome about them, and that's their dick. it looks like a crayon! what the fuck? don't get the wrong idea. it's not like i sit here on the internet and check out what different dicks in the animal kingdom look like or anything. i'm not into that okay? NOT INTO THAT!!! but i think it's weird and uncool that cat dicks not only are small as hell and look like some kind of fucked up slimy crayon/adaptor cord, but also that they are SPIKED and hurt the female cat while sex is happening! i've never seen my male cat's dick before, and i'm really glad about that. i hope i never do! don't think i'm hating on cats in this post alright? i love cats. just don't love their penis. it would be a lot worse if i DID love cat dicks, so don't be all like "you're gross."

help yourself to a fuckin science book cause your talkin like a fucking retard

everyone needs to shut the fuck up in a major way. everyone's complaining about the weather. "wah wah, it won't stop raining..." there is no need to post a myspace bulletin about that. it's not interesting that you feel that way, and it's not a legitimate topic. everyone should know by now that the weather is the most boring thing in the world to talk about. the weather is the subject we revert to when there is nothing else to talk about, in order to avoid awkward silence. it's the same principle as "soooo, how about them yankees?" "so how about this RAIN?" so... how about that dick in your mouth, faggot? how's that taste? this is the internet, people. we're all close friends here. we are like a close knit family. there is no need to pull out the auxiliary conversation about the weather in a place like this. yeah it's raining, yeah it's cold out. it sucks. but how much of your day are you spending outside roughing it anyway? and guess what: i got let out early because of this exact weather that you're getting your period over, so i'm psyched about it, and i'm not going to keep letting everyone shit in my mouth and call it a milkshake. i work a 7 day week. i was beyond ecstatic for the rain, because now i get to spend the rest of my day relaxing, and it rules. fo real. also, don't act like a bunch of vags. seriously now. if it's this cold now, in mid april, you know that means the summer will last into september, shit, maybe even october, and that will rule. see, global warming isn't so bad. longer summers, people. this is going to be the shit. you're really going to be sticking your feet in your mouths one day.